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Why Roughriders fans suck: A rebuttal

August 9, 2013

While posting this now arguably makes me as slow as the Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ board of directors, passing up the chance to respond to the Calgary Stampeders’ list (published Wednesday) of why Stamps fans find Saskatchewan Roughriders fans annoying would be about as smart as hiring a former XFL executive to run your franchise, ignoring Murray McCormick’s pre-game meal photos or losing a Grey Cup because you had too many men on the field.

Objective and independent (because, you know, this is serious business) responses are in green.

#10 – Whiners
It seems as though every time the Riders are in the wrong and take a penalty, it’s the referee’s fault for making an outrageous call.
The refs absolutely deserve your sympathy – if the Riders had just thrown The 13th Man under the bus right after the 2009 Grey Cup there wouldn’t be all this pent-up anxiety about the officiating in the first place. On the plus side, at least they’re not dropping trow and mooning your players on the sidelines. Actually, they probably are. Never mind.

#9 – Watermelon prices
When the Riders come to town, the cost of watermelons increases in our grocery stores. Watermelons are for eating, not wearing!
Hey, if you’re going to sell Saskatchewan’s provincial fruit like it’s your own, there has to be consequences. Also please keep in mind those two games every year account for half of your city’s GDP.

#8 – Green = ugly
Green is a terrible colour for a football team. It’s also annoying that they leave green face paint on everything; door handles, bathroom faucets and all over the stands.
Historically, we have to agree. The Philadelphia Eagles, New York Jets and Miami Dolphins are terrible. However it’s worth pointing out that the Roughriders have won as many championships as those three teams combined. Also, that’s not face paint. Blame Burke Dales for his vomit-inducing chirps at friend-of-the-blog Bald Clown during the 2010 West Final.

#7 – Poor tailgating etiquette
When the Riders come to town, their green John Deere combines take up two spots in the Stampeder tailgating parking lots. It’s really painful to watch them parallel park.
That’s nothing. You clearly haven’t spent half an hour driving around downtown Swift Current. Or Lacadena. FML.

#6 – It’s a football game, not a drinking contest
The Calgary Stampeder Football Club has to hire more security and police when Saskatchewan is in town because Rider fans have proven they do not know their own limits when it comes to alcohol. This is reiterated again in point number one: everyone knows the Riders have a hard time counting.
Spoken like a true lightweight …

#5 – Jersey fouls
They wear Rider jerseys to games when the Roughriders aren’t even playing, including hockey games. Their fans are like those annoying grasshoppers in Saskatchewan, there are TONS of them and they are EVERYWHERE.
What would you do if the only place to shop for clothes in your province was the Rider Store?

#4 – Their leader is a giant gopher
It’s common knowledge that gophers ruin crops, so it’s quite ironic that the Riders chose a gopher to represent their province’s football team. What do most people do with gophers? Run them over.
If you’re not blasting gophers with a .308 you’re wasting your life.

#3 – Why are you here?
They shamelessly promote the province they all moved away from. If you love Saskatchewan so much, why do so many of you live in Calgary and why did so many of you leave?
It’s the scent of the Traditional Ale wafting east from the Big Rock brewery that has lured only our most refined citizens to your esteemed community. When those taps shut off the only Sask-immigrants to your city will be the ones we deport after Craven Country Jamboree. Have fun with that.

#2 – Like nails on a chalkboard
Rider fans love to hear themselves talk. They have a complete lack of situational awareness. If we wanted to watch trained seals clap and yelp loudly, we would make a trip to Marine Land!
There’s a place I know in Ontario where the sealions kiss, so the story goes. It’s amazing shows and Friendship Cove, everyone loves Marine and. You’ll be spinning, diving and soaring high, our roller coaster ride will fly you to the sky. Now you know what you’ll say when you leave here today, everyone loves Marine Land. Wait … where am I??

#1 – Terrible at counting
They are more interested in showing everyone they are from Saskatchewan than what is actually happening on the field. Rather than compliment a great play by an opposing player, they’ll say it was “lucky” or a “fluke.” Not to mention, their team can’t count to 12.

Wall Rider Gnome

OK, OK, you win this round, Superman. But only because you got lucky.

  1. August 9, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Bald clown: Hey Burke nice punt what did that one average this time?!?? 7 yards????? Ive seen figure skaters kick with more power and better form Dales!!!!!!

    Burke Dales: Oh yeah…….well uhh….uhhhh….NICE FACE!!!!!!!!!

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